The Woods, Multi-Media, 2020

The Harralton

Here are some highlights from my sketchbook for the Brooklyn Museum of Art.

Hannah at Club 21

Hannah at The Harralton

Jude in the Rain

Jude Asleep

Jude with Bobble Cap

Lonely Little Drahousek

Nice to Meet You Jude Larkin at Sandra's

Nice to Meet You Jude Larkin

One-Eyed Jude

Room 6032

Sandra's Cottage in Brighton

Sandra's Invite

Shillelagh's

Scuffle at Coomies

What that What Might Be1

What That What Might Be2

That Old Drunk Constance Price

Truths

Hannah spent the next couple of weeks keeping a low profile at work. She did not see or hear from Anthony again and was grateful for it because her painful disappointment would only hang over her head.  She stuck to her go to state of existence which was solitude. She stayed in and worked on her various projects and only ventured out when she needed to do some marketing and replenish her art supplies.  She had been tempted to go to the Camden but chastised herself into admitting she was hoping to run into Anthony there. She needed to drop the idea of chance encounters and forget the whole concept of him.  It was hard as the image of that sad look he had given her the last time she saw him was burned into her memory. He looked so defeated and sad. There had seemed a real sincerity in it.

He had not answered the message she left at the Coventry Agency.  Hannah wondered if his unresponsiveness was a result of being embarrassed that she found out what he did for a living or whether he realized that whatever game he was playing with her was done and he was exposed. Hannah realized it was not realistic to think that there was anything wholesome about his interest in her. That is, if she was not overstating their interactions and turning them into something they were not. It was really better to put it all behind her and forget the whole goddamned thing.  It was not easy though, she had moments where she wished. She wished.

One Sunday afternoon, she had decided to go to a bead store on Oxford Street to cheer herself up.  

She walked down to the tube station and caught the first train that came along.  She was thirty seconds into her ride when she glanced up from her phone and saw Anthony at the other end of the car. Fuck. There were 10 million people in London…why did she have to keep running into him? He was involved in his own phone and did not see her. He must have been off the clock as he was wearing jeans and his face was lightly stubbled.  Hannah obscured herself behind a tall guy standing next to her but kept Anthony in her sights in a reflection in the train window.  If all she was allowed was a good stare than she would take it. He was gorgeous. The more she looked at him the more the singularly creepy thought passed through her head of wanting to take his photograph. She glanced around and saw that no one was paying her any attention. Anthony off his phone now and was staring vacuously in her direction.  She put her phone down and snapped it quickly without stepping from around the man standing next to her. From Anthony’s reflection, he was completely oblivious to her.  She decided to take another one in case the first one did not come out.  This also went off without discovery.  She glanced up and saw he was now standing by the door waiting to get off at the next stop.  She admired his profile from her obscured spot.  It was so Irish with the high cheekbones and the ever so slightly upturned nose. The door to the train opened and he stepped out onto the platform. He moved past the window she was standing in front of and glanced up and looked right at her. For a moment, her heart was pounding when she thought he saw her, but when he kept walking, she exhaled heavily in relief. Thank god, she was in the clear.

She watched his back as he suddenly stopped and turned around. It was something right out of a cartoon. He took a few steps towards her and looked at her for a second like he was trying to figure out if it was really her or not. They stood for a moment looking at each other through the glass. He did not raise his hand in greeting and she did not move from her place. She was barely conscious of the doors coming to a close. Thunk!         

 

The near miss on the train set her heart back weeks. She wished she had not seen him as now he was moving around inside her head again. She was beginning to think she was turning into a obsessed lunatic. She felt shamed every time she brought up his picture on her phone.  It had come out a lot better than she had expected and with a little editing, she was able to see those dazzling blue eyes of his. She thought his shapely mouth was beautiful and she felt complete and utter resentment for all the undeserving women who had been allowed to have him.  When she felt like this the fact that he was a gigolo did enter into the argument at all. She could not have him anyway so what did it matter. He became a vague and unattainable ideal that she should just forget about.

 

Her phone buzzed one afternoon a few days later and she fully expected it to be Petra, who was out sick today, checking up on her. She pulled her phone out of her uniform pocket to read the text and was startled to see it was Anthony.

I saw you on the train on Saturday.

It wasn’t Petra. She sat down on the bed in the room she was servicing. She had to.  Her hands were really shaking and she read the one line over and over. She didn’t answer, at least not right away.  She just did not know what to say. She thought long and hard on whether she would even reply at all. Later that afternoon, after much deliberation, she decided to get it out of the way and reply. She decided to take the piss out of him a little bit.

Who is this?

She had decided she could not exactly call him out as a liar, nor did she want to. She just wanted to send the message that she was growing weary of mystery and drama.  Really, there had been no lying and he had only avoided the question of his profession. She had done this plenty of times in her life. She called the maneuver “not volunteering too much” but it certainly could cause as much drama as a lie.  She wanted to start from the very beginning and she thought, after everything, he needed to be, albeit very gently, put in his place.

Anthony

He did not waste anytime answering. She wondered if he had really been waiting for her to reply.  

Hi there!

Hello

How have you been?

Fair. I’ve had alot on my mind. Especially you.  

Join the club, Hannah thought. She wanted to keep the conversation mild. There was no reason for her to have an attitude with him. This ought to be rich though. She could not wait to see what he had to say.

I hope everything’s ok, she typed.

I’ve been meaning to talk to you about what

happened with Brendan and spectacle at the

Harralton

 

                                                                                                                                        Okay.

She had to smile at his choice of words, spectacle. She could hear him say it in his charming way.  It softened her desire to have an attitude. All she wanted was honesty from him.

There was a long pause, but she could see he was typing.

Because I really like you, Hannah. I wanted

to tell you about what I do, and not have you

have to hear it from someone like Brendan.

I’m so sorry. That just was not right.

I have no reason to judge what you do.

There was another pause. She did not want this to be the end of it with him.

Is your companion alright? 

?

The lady you were with at

the Harralton. Is she okay?

 

Yes. I’m sorry you had to see that.

 

As long as everything turned out ok, I’m ok.

You did not deserve that.

 It was the last thing he said to her.   

Hannah read the conversation over and over, obsessing over it, of course. She hated conversations like this where she did not have the people in front of her where she could weigh body language and expression. So much could be misconstrued with faceless words.  He seemed genuine in what he was saying. Not asking her for anything and concerned that she may have been offended or hurt by it. In truth, the only thing that offended her was the thought of nasty old, drunken Constance with her hands all over him. And this was not necessarily offense, but more like stone cold jealousy.

 

Mr. Crowden asked the housekeeping staff if they were interested in working a banquet at the Harralton the following week, and Hannah thought of accepting as it would be a welcome cash bonus that she really needed. The event also kept her from sitting home and bemoaning her loneliness and the myth that she had built up around Anthony. When Petra said she was going to do it, Hannah decided to commit.  They went to an orientation the night before the banquet so Ms. Sharpe could go over some protocol and special instructions.  They were also provided with different uniforms. These were a little more feminine and frillier than the usual black and whites they wore, and they were encouraged to pay special attention to their appearance.  This meant that the ladies were allowed to wear light cosmetics and pay special attention to their hair.

The banquet was a very formal event and all the beautiful gowns the women wore really excited Hannah.  She had not even thought about this aspect of the banquet, that it would be so visually pleasing.  

She and Petra did a little of everything. They started by walking around the crowd with flutes of champagne and hor’deurves and then seating people at one of the twelve tables.  Each table sat about 12 people.  

The staff was busy serving the first course when she realized she was serving Constance.  Hannah could smell that she was already marinaded when she leaned down to place her salad course in front of her. She smelled like White Shoulders and gin. Jesus Christ! Was this woman ever sober?  She looked hard and tense and pointedly ignored Hannah to the point where Hannah knew she was hyper aware of her.  Of course, it had been weeks ago that she had taken that spill, but you never know what a drunk would remember. It was probably more about Hannah being the help than her actually remembering her. Hannah made it a point to check out who Constance was with and it was some really uptight looking older man. This must have been the husband. Hannah could not imagine she would bring Anthony to a thing like this and with her husband present.

A little old lady still had her long coat with her at the table and was fussing with it when Hannah sweetly offered to put it in coat check for her. The old lady, sweet and dingy, kindly thanked her and Hannah was off to coat check. When Hannah turned around to go back to the banquet room she saw Anthony at the registration counter.  It looked like he was checking in.

He had his back to her so he did not see her. He was dressed in a suit as usual and of course looked beautiful. It was all too much for Hannah and she turned and hurried back to the ballroom. She continued her work, in a distracted fog, as all she could think about was Anthony and Constance. It made her sick and resentful.  After clearing the tables of the main course and serving coffee and dessert to the guests, Hannah stole away to the lobby again.  An acquaintance of hers who worked in registration, Melinda, was working tonight. She thought she might persuade her to tell her what room Anthony was staying in. She did not know what she would do with that piece of information, she just wanted to know.    

“Hey, my friend is staying here tonight, she whispered to Melinda. But I don’t know what room he is staying in because he is not answering his phone. Can you look it up for me?”

Melinda obliged without any question.

“The name’s McCabe,” Hannah whispered. She hoped this was the name that room was registered under because she had no idea what Constance’s last name was.

“He’s in 6030,” Melinda said suitably impressed. It was one of the more expensive suites.

That must be their favorite room as they were always in it. She was seething at the thought that he would be in that room alone with the nasty, old bitch. And what in the hell were they going to do with the old man?  She had a fairly inappropriate thought as to how they would work that one out. Gross! She returned to the banquet room in a truly foul mood.

“You ok?” Petra asked her as they managed to partner up to distribute dessert. You don’t look good.”

“Stomach ache is all”, Hannah mumbled dismissively.

Dessert was being cleared, when a man with a wool coat over his arm approached the table where the Prices sat.  Constance’s husband was suddenly on his feet shrugging on the coat.  

“Always leaving me, Henry!” Constance joked sloppily. Henry did not dignify her remark or even look in her direction.

But you won’t be alone, you disgusting old bag, Hannah thought bitterly. You have a beautiful someone you can abuse upstairs. She almost wished she could tell the old man what was going on, but Hannah would not be a bit surprised if he already knew. Nothing surprised Hannah these days.

The little old lady of earlier beckoned to Hannah and asked for her coat so she had to go back out to the lobby again.

She followed Henry and his assistant as she made her way to coat check.   

 

“Hannah, Anthony said quietly as he stepped up to her as she waited for the coat check clerk to retrieve the old lady’s coat.   

“Hello,” she said, trying to sound pleasantly surprised.

“Hello, he seemed pleased that she was pleased. It’s nice to see you.” 

“Likewise,” Hannah replied looking away unconsciously.

“So you’re working the reception tonight?”

“Yeah, it’s some nice overtime.”

“Grand.” He smiled, but it was a sad one. One of the sad and a bit wonton kind of smiles.

“Well you look like a million bucks! She said trying to think of something happy to dwell on. Are you working tonight too?”

“Aye.”

“I thought I saw your companion inside, Hannah replied. She turned and nodded in the direction of Henry and his aide who was just exiting the main lobby doors. Coast is clear!”

Anthony looked at them and then at her with a wry expression that almost bordered on a smile.

“Oh my God, I need to shut the fuck up, she said, rhetorically chewing herself out. Before I say something even more tactless!”

Anthony looked at her with surprise and stepped a little closer. He smelled so good. He put his hand gently on her elbow and she practically imploded with the rush it gave her. It was only her elbow for Godssakes.

“Let’s talk, he whispered gently to her.  Is there somewhere we can go and speak privately?”

“I’m so sorry I said that, she apologized, not hearing his question. She looked at him for a moment and then burst into tears.  The girl working coat check looked at him and then at her with surprise. She handed Hannah the coat and retreated quickly back into the coat room.

“Oh my God, I need to just get the fuck out of here,” Hannah said again and tried to cover her face.

Anthony looked at her sadly and he stroked her elbow gently with his thumb.

“I just wish it were me,” she said, continuing to babble her stupid shit. She was crying all over this old lady’s coat but she didn’t give a shit. She was clearly losing it.

Anthony’s eyes widened at what she said.

“Oh, Kitten, you deserve so much better, he whispered to her. I couldn’t in good conscience take up with you. It wouldn’t be fair…….”

“I like you though,” she said simply.

“I like you too, Hannah, he said trying to comfort her, but his sad, pained expression had a very different, silent tone to it. Very much. But in all fairness, I’ve gone too far already.”

“I’d treat you like you deserve to be treated, not like a dirty little secret.”

He continued to gently touch her elbow.   

“Anthony!”

Constance was standing about 20 feet away and looking at them with venomous disapproval. Anthony threw a contemptuous look in her direction that set her back on her heels.

“Go!” Hannah whispered. She would not look at him and she tried to pull away but he tightened his grip on her elbow a little and held on for a moment longer.

“Hannah!” he said sadly as she finally pulled away and he let go.

“What is the meaning of this?” Constance interrupted.  

“Mind your own affair!” Hannah heard Anthony snap angrily as she walked away. It was definitely a new tone of voice for him.  A combustible mixture of sadness and anger.  He was definitely not maintaining a low profile as some nearby guests turned and looked at him.  

 

The following morning in the pre-shift staff meeting, Mr. Crowden and Ms. Sharpe commended staff on their successful service of the banquet the night before, and promised them extra work as several events had been scheduled for the future. As everyone was filing out of the staff room, Ms. Sharpe called Hannah over.     

“I’d like a word, dear,” she said in a neutral tone. She gestured to Hannah to follow her to where they could talk privately.

Hannah’s hackles went up as she had the distinct impression she was about to get a talking to. What the hell..?

“Hannah, dear, she said once the door to her office was closed. I want to talk to you about something that happened last night. A guest complained about an incident she witnessed in the lobby and she said you were involved?”

Hannah kept her face neutral as she listened to this but felt a bomb go off in her head. She knew exactly where this was going. Fucking bitch, Constance! Hannah could not wait to hear this.  

“Go on, you can tell me, dear,” She asked Hannah gently but assertively.

“I’m not sure it could be called an incident, Hannah said defending herself. I saw an old friend of mine and I guess I got a little more emotional than I should have because I was so happy that I cried a little” 

 Ms. Sharpe regarded her soberly for the most part but Hannah could see something flash across her eyes when she said she cried.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, Hannah went on. I guess I just really miss home and my family.”

“I see, Ms. Sharpe said breaking out into a slow, warm smile. I’m only mentioning it to you because I was asked to. I’m familiar with this guest who complained and she has a tendency to be very high maintenance and a bit disrespectful towards staff. She wanted you fired over it, but I certainly won’t do that. We have some integrity here at the Harralton, and we do care about our own. Mr. Crowden is in complete agreement with me on this. I just wanted you to know this happened and to encourage you to be more cognizant in your dealings with guests. Know who you’re dealing with and conduct yourself accordingly.”

“Yes, I’m sorry you had to hear about it at all, Mrs. Sharpe, Hannah replied contritely. I promise it won’t happen again.”

She must have had a weird look on her face because Ms. Sharpe unexpectedly reached out and touched her forearm gently.

“Oh dear, I like you and you’re a very hard worker. Don’t let this add to your troubles. Mrs. Price is spoiled and bored, but we are not going to allow one person to kill our good humour now, are we?”

“No, ma’am.”

“That’s a good girl, Ms. Sharpe said trying to be cheerful. I’m sorry to hear you are homesick too, but it was nice that you got to see your friend now, isn’t it?”

“It was, Hannah said giving her a small, tight smile.  She almost felt like crying again.  Very Nice.”

 

During her lunch hour, she tearfully told Petra what happened with Mrs. Sharpe.  They were sitting in a burger joint down the street from the Harralton. Petra got really mad.

“She’s crazy, rich bitch!” Petra said angrily and reaching across the table and touching Hannah’s hand.

“Yeah, she is, Hannah replied.  I’m just glad that I didn’t lose my job over this.”

“Uh, yeah! Petra replied. Ms. Sharpe is a good lady.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, now should you stay away from Anthony, Petra said pointedly. I said he is piece of shit before and now you see how much he is, drahousek!”

“Yeah.”

Hannah tried to look like she was taking Petra’s advice seriously, but inside she knew she was furthering her passive aggressive bullshit of nodding and doing whatever the hell she wanted anyway.  She had his last words to her looping in her head.

It’s gone too far already. It just would not be fair to you.

It contained some honor about how things should be between them which lent him some real credibility in her mind. He clearly respected her which only made her want him more. She understood logically in her mind what he meant. He would not be able to ensure his monogamy which clearly was not fair to her.  Hannah understood the reasoning but, crazily enough, it only deepened her desire for him. The more he presented as a true gentleman, the more painful the rift between them got. She had not been wrong about there being a small something between them.  This was not all one sided.

Untitled, 2018 Monotype. Akua Ink in Jet on Strathmore Paper

A short from The Harralton

“We have been through so much together. When I first met him, he was still a little boy. Could not have been more than 14 or 15 years old and he was starving and living on the street. He looked like a high wind would blow him over and he was so bloody innocent. There was one wet, cold evening when I decided to buy him something to eat out of the blue. I don’t know why, I didn’t care about anyone or anything back then. I felt I just should. I had seen him a few times up till then.  He was so polite and so grateful that it really moved me. This poor little boy had no choice but to be out there selling himself.”

"A few weeks afterward, I saw him again. This time he was beaten so badly that I almost did not recognize him. Some devil had abused him and dumped him in a rubbish bin in an alley off of Oxford Circus. He was in hospital for a month.  In the beginning, he was not expected to live. I went and sat with him for a little while every day until he finally opened his eyes. I talked to him, held his hand, did whatever so that he would know he was not alone. Again I still don’t really know why because I was so mixed upmyself, but he was just so sweet. He still is. You know how some people are just so good regardless? So good, you just want to be near them?”

“He’s just like that. But of course, you know that already. Anyway, when the authorities finally figured out who he was, they sent for his stepfather to come and collect him. He begged me to take him out of there even though he was still in no shape to leave hospital. He was so desperate to get away that I knew I had to do it. I knew what kind of a beast his stepfather was, I had gotten away from one of those myself, so I took him back to the flat I shared with two other girls and took care of him. They were angry that I had taken in this grubby little boy, but soon enough they were in love with him as well.You could say he brought out the good in all of us.”

“He did everything he could think of to pull his weight in that flat, Sandra went on smiling. The place was immaculate the entire time he stayed with us. There was always dinner on the stove. The washing up was always done, our beds were made for us. The lavatory was spotless. He carried the laundry to and from the Chinese down the lane.And he was always willing to run the odd errand. He made that shitty little flat a place we wanted to come home to.”

“He has returned it all to me a hundredfold over the years. When things got really dark for me, when I was still using, he actually knocked some sense into me and took me to treatment. He has always stood by me. He introduced me to my husband Roger, you know. They were mates at a racket club in Kensington. Nearly every good thing that has happened to me in the last 15 years, he has somehow been involved in it.”

The Mermaid Bracelet 2014

Cornelia Bracelet 2014